The World Isn't A Dark Place.

Pre-trial.  We were praying it would be the end of this nightmare.  It wasn’t, of course.  CPS hasn’t had a chance to finish up their “final assessment” so we continue trekking on. 

Avery is 12lb 10oz now.  That officially puts her on the preemie growth charts.  Woohoo!  I can’t tell you how elated I’ve been knowing that even though she is still small, even though she is still failure to thrive, she is growing and becoming a nice healthy little girl.  That makes me heart smile.

Today I took Avery back to Doctor because I was concerned about her tube and she seemed to be in pain with feeding.  She is getting a button put in tomorrow.  I am really hopeful that the procedure will go smoothly, swiftly and painlessly for her.  She has been through so much in her 7 months of life.  I can’t bear to see her in pain even one moment longer.

After the Dr’s appointment I made my own to get evaluated for some pretty severe upper back/shoulder pain that had migrated into my neck and caused migraines.  The diagnosis:  Stress.

Shocker, right? 

When I was leaving the clinic I saw a family running and laughing towards the Pediatrician’s office.  I miss that.  I miss the laughter that accompanied my family everywhere we went.  We were such happy, carefree people.  We were fun and outgoing.  Now we live in this somber world of investigations, appointments, therapies and having to allow people into our home when we want nothing more than to be alone and grieve the loss of our “old” family.  It’s just not right. 

Madi will be seeing a family therapist on Friday.  I need to get her help.  She has lost so much of herself in the last few weeks.  She cries, nearly all day, every day.  She “can’t” do anything anymore.  She can’t brush her teeth.  Put her pants back on.  Get a drink.  She just isn’t my sweet, cheerful 3 year old anymore – and that is heart-wrenching.  I need to make her feel whole again.  She has to be able to see that the world isn’t a dark place. 

This migraine I have is making the sound of clicking keys seem like a boom box next to my head.