Five Years Ago.

Five years ago something happened that would change me, forever. It shook me to my core.

 I remember calling home,I didn't even have to speak and immediately my mom knew something terrible had happened. I found myself in the middle of no where, along a dark highway, terrified. I had been raped, by my friend's friend.  My parents drove from our home as fast as they could to find me. My sister drive from college to find me. I was picked up off the side of the road by two men who really could've hurt me. When I finally made it home, I collapsed. For days I just walked through the motions. I didn't want to go to the hospital, I didn't want to talk about it, to tell anyone. I felt dirty and ashamed. I had a rape kit done, it was humiliating and degrading. I started the process to press charges...but then the nightmares started. I remember them, still. I pulled up to a gas station and my baby was in the car seat in the back seat. I glanced up and there he was, waiting. He walked up to the car and said "You should've kept your mouth shut." Then, he shoots my baby. Then himself. I woke up for months, crying. I stopped returning the sheriff department's calls. I couldn't do it. I literally lived in fear. Fear for myself, fear for my future. I allowed the fear to control me. I no longer felt safe and secure in my own body, in my own home, in my own life.

Five years later, I understand why they call us survivors. It's not about just being able to walk away alive. It's about being able to walk away and BE alive again. I don't trust people like I use to. I still have moments of deep fear and anxiety, sleepless nights and moments where I don't feel safe in my own house. Sometimes I see shadows and my blood runs cold. I hear a name, his name, and I feel sick. But I am alive. My heart and soul have recuperated from the nightmare.  The nightmare I lived through isn't unique. Unfortunately. Rape statistics are immensely frightening.

Now, I have three beautiful daughters. They are my world, my life and my happiness. I'm so proud of their accomplishments, even the tiny ones like sitting up, being a mischievous two year old, and spelling her name. I think back to that night and fear that my sweet babies may one day live through a nightmare like I did. That one day my heart will break when I answer the phone in the middle of the night. I can't imagine the hopelessness that my parents felt that night. As a parent, I can't imagine.

Today, five years ago, I was raped. Five years later I am strong, happy, confident and alive.