We Could Never Hurt A.

I needed to recompose myself today.  I have spent the entire day crying.  Literally.  Every moment I thought it was ok to stop, something changed and I started crying again. 

Saturday night when I was giving A her OT massage when I noticed that if I touched a certain spot she cried.  I reported it to the nurse and this morning I brought it up to the Doctor so she ordered an x-ray of the foot.  We just found out that it came back normal.

Today, I feel numb.  I feel so numb.  I am crumbling beneath the weight of this investigation and every day that goes on I collapse a little further.  I just want to go home, curl into my bed with my three sweet baby girls and go to sleep.  I want to make the world a wonderful place for them, where they don’t have to worry about things like strangers taking them out of their home, mommy and daddy crying or baby A being in the hospital.  They’ve done so well with all of this.  My mom has been amazing, caring for M and K and making sure that they are loved.  However, she is leaving Thursday.  This is always a hard adjustment time for M.  She loves her GiGi more than words can describe.  With all of these other changes I’m really concerned about her ability to handle so many changes.  K is doing ok with it as well.  She’s happy for the most part, but she still cries a lot for mommy.  Both girls are wanting extra love and attention, understandably.  M occasionally cries for A.  She says that she wants her to come home.  She doesn’t want to visit her in the hospital anymore.  …me neither…

Today was such a hard day.  We had a wonderful photographer come in and take pictures of A.  We did this because we don’t know how the next few days, weeks or months will play out.  We do know that if she is removed from our custody we won’t have her ever moment like we do now.  We could miss her Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s, Birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day…the list goes on.  It was heart-breaking.  Holding her and trying not to think about the fact that we could be unable to hold her like this in a few days.  It was impossible not to cry.

My best friend and her daughter came up to visit.  She came to make sure she got to spend time with A…before…well, the unspeakable.  She cried.  I cried.  We all cried.  When she hugged me and said she was sorry it was too much.  It was the first person who has really hugged me since this all started.  I collapsed onto the floor.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  I can’t.  She is always there when I need her and she helped pick me back up.  “It’s going to be ok, Cheryl.”  …I know it will…it has to be.

When the photographer cried it started a chain of crying for the rest of the day.  Once that dam opened I couldn’t close it.  My eyes are swollen.  I can’t cry anymore.  Then the lawyer wanting $10,000 made me cry again.

Then an amazing woman, who was my Doula during A’s birth, came to visit. She has become a friend in ways I can’t explain.  We don’t get to talk every day, or even every month…but I care for her and she does for us as well.  She brought the sunshine back into today.  She reminded me that in times like this it’s so hard to have faith and to show it, but to know deep in our hearts that God is here with us.  He knows everything about A’s situation and he will watch her, regardless of where she is going.  I felt so bad this afternoon because my mom was saying that she was sorry and that she was praying and in my desperate state I just yelled that I don’t want her prayers.  I don’t want ANY prayers!  I felt so angry at that moment.  Angry at everyone and everything.  Angry that we are getting failed so badly by a system meant to protect our child.  Our dear friend helped wipe my tears.  She hugged me.  She brought tissues.  She was such a pillar of strength and a sounding board for my fears, anger, frustration, desperation and hurt.  She is truly a blessing in my life, in a way that I don’t think I could ever explain.  She made me laugh on a day that I thought no laughter would happen.  I wish everyone could feel her spirit when they are in desperate times.  Her light is amazing.

Tomorrow the CPS worker and Family Advocacy are coming to the hospital to meet with me.  I was hoping we would have a lawyer before this happened so that I could at least have a direction, a way of knowing what to do, anything. 

Instead of that we are going to walk blindly into this, hope and pray for the best.  We are going to hope that our honest, good-nature will show that we could never hurt A.