Abuse is real. So is Innocence.

The next few days were a blur of absolutely nothing.  Nothing changed.  A still has her feeding tube.  Nothing changes.  She continued to lose weight, then she gained weight.   

As of today – A’s blood results are fully in.  We waited an entire week for her Vitamin D results.  She has normal Vitamin D levels.  She has high calcium levels.  Low phosphorous levels.  Her parathyroid is low in response to the other things being wacky.  They’ve run practically every blood test to try and find a cause for her fractures.  Nothing.  There just doesn’t seem to be anything in her blood that is explaining it.   

But there has to be something.  

I have been flooded with people offering suggestions.  See about this.  Have they thought of this?  Do you know about this?  The problem is – the receptiveness to these new ideas seems to be weak, at best.   

I researched something called Temporary Brittle Bone Disease (TBBD) (thanks Jennifer!) and even provided the Dr with a copy of the medical journal.  It wasn’t worth the time.  The Dr said there isn’t a real test in order to determine if that’s the cause.

Osteopenia of Prematurity was ruled out.  Why?  I have no idea.

Osteogenesis Imperfecta can’t be tested in the hospital.

M and K both had complete physicals.  They had a complete set of skeletal x-rays (19 x-rays each, plus the reshoots they had to do).  The Dr that reviewed them said that they are both in excellent health.  M is advanced for her age.  K is right on track for her age.  Their skeletal x-rays came back – perfect.  100% normal.  Negative for anything.   

The hospital has let us know that A will be discharged this week.  Upon discharge she will not be allowed to come home to us.  CPS has informed us that at this point A will be put in state custody until they “can figure out how she got broken bones.” Dr Z today told me that in a lot of cases the fractures have no explanation.  However, if CPS doesn't see a medical diagnosis - it's child abuse.

Our social worker keeps saying “She has fractures that can’t be explained by medicine.  Do you realize how serious that is?”  Yes.  Yes, we do. 

Do you realize that this is our CHILD?  The child that I prayed for when we thought, at 26 weeks, that we were losing her?  Do you realize that I cried going to the hospital, bags packed, for an appointment where we were expecting to be told that she had stopped growing and it was time for a  c-section?  Do you realize that I stayed by  her bedside every moment  I could while she was in the NICU for three weeks straight?  Do you realize I lived in a hospital for three weeks for her?  Do you realize that I am the one who brought her to the Doctor?  Do you realize that this is MY child?  Do you realize how serious THAT is?  

My heart is breaking inside of my chest.  I’m supposed to stay strong.  Not to let them see me too emotional.  Not to be too cold either though.  Be cooperative, but not to the point that they can walk on us.   

A is our last baby.  With my history of complicated pregnancies, long bed rest, weekly progesterone shots, and premature babies  that only get smaller – I can’t risk another pregnancy.  The health of my child isn’t worth my desire to have a big family.  So, the idea of A going to foster care – to have in the arms of someone who isn’t me or my husband while she experiences her first everything, and our last first’s….it’s unbearable.  It makes my heart stop beating.  It makes me physically sick.  This child, she’s all I’ve ever wanted.  Yes, she’s complicated.  Yes, she has complex medical needs.  Yes, she has colic.  Yes, she is difficult to make happy…but Oh My God.  When she smiles at you.  When she looks into my eyes and smiles…the smile that she knows I’m her mom.  She loves me.  That smile, it’s worth the sleepless nights.  It’s worth the pain of walking around, bouncing, for hours at a time.  It’s worth never going to the gym.  It’s worth having no time to myself.  It’s SO worth it. 

I just can’t see myself celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years without my sweet A.  I can’t imagine her crawling for the first time, saying her first word, her first step…in another person’s house.  In another person’s arms.  It’s just too much.  It’s too much for me to bear.   

If you are a mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, if you have ever loved a child…you can relate.  Just imagine for a moment that someone comes into your house and takes your child from you.  They tell you they are doing it to protect your child from you. They tell you that their goal is to make sure you are a fit parent.  You have to prove you are.  They take your child and place them in another person’s home.  You don’t know the person.  You’ve never seen them, their house, their kids.  You don’t know if they are good or bad.  Now imagine that they are taken from you for a whole year.  You miss their birthday, the holidays, their firsts.  You don’t get to see their beautiful smile every day.  You don’t get to hold them tight every night.  You don’t get to get frustrated when they cry.  You don’t even get the opportunity to parent them because you are guilty.  You are guilty until proven Innocent.

CPS cases can take 6-18 months.  I’m in a wonderful group on Facebook of women and men who have travelled the journey of CPS – some of them lost their children for three months, some lost their children for FIVE YEARS.  It’s easy to look at these people and think that they must be guilty.  Surely the system doesn’t fail that much….

Research.  Research. Research.  The system fails.  It is put in place to protect, and the kids that it protects – thank God they are protected.  But the families it fails…oh those poor families.  Families like mine – who are innocent of all charges.  Families who are ripped apart for months or years because of something that just isn’t there.  Those families suffer emotional trauma.  Physical trauma.  Mental trauma.  Marriages fail because of this system.  The same system set in place to protect children can also destroy good, loving families.  Something needs to be done to help fix this.  The system isn’t bad – it is just flawed. 

So here we are.  We are fighting for A.  We are fighting for HER rights to be with her family.  We have done nothing wrong.  The fractures on my sweet A were not caused by trauma.  The fractures on A did not come from any malicious intent.  The fractures on A were not abuse.  Abuse is intentional – it’s to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way. 

Abuse is real.  So Is Innocence.